Sunday, August 11, 2013

How Singaporean men can succeed with the Singaporean women or can they?

Feature writing is one of my more interesting courses that I am taking at University. The following is my final assignment which I have done and was part of a grade A assessment that I got. Enjoy!
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My quest in finding answers on how Singaporean men can overcome the obstacles of the Singaporean women spouse checklist.




 

There are times in the night where I would turn around in bed, look at the woman sleeping beside me and wonder to myself, “Why is there such a beautiful woman sleeping beside me?”  My ex-girlfriend in high school, who knew my wife, once told me “You really have stumbled upon a treasure for yourself.” Besides making it sound like I do not deserve it, I knew I have incredible luck. The Straits Times article “Singaporean and Marriage; the checklist syndrome” proves it.
 
Just this year, I came across the 5 January 2013 Straits Times article. It talks about Singaporeans having a “checklist” for their ideal spouse, which to dating experts is the biggest hurdle in Singaporeans getting married. What women want are men who are: Taller ideally more than 1.75 metres, older preferably by 4 years, earns more, to be as educated or more, at least similar in career achievements, confident, and in the following occupations like doctor, lawyer, banker, pilot or engineer.
 
After seeing the checklist, I finally attain enlightenment on why my ex-girlfriend, who is still single, says that I have stumbled upon a “treasure” like my wife. At 1.75 metres, my wife is 4 centimetres taller than me, more educated, earns more, manages 23 people at work while none for me, and most importantly she is also better looking than me. I am definitely not in any of the ideal occupations. The closest I got to was working in a bank.
 
So how do mere mortals like us find love in Singapore? Are Singaporean men lacking in any of the criteria convicted to singlehood for life? As I feel obliged to help my fellow “male race” on this, I went to look for 3 Singaporean men friends who do not fit the criteria on what they do about it.
 
The first person I come across is Jason Tay, 32 years old and single. He is a Marine Research Assistant standing at an impressive height of 1.54 metres. That is impressively 21 centimetres off the ideal height or he needs to grow 13% more to qualify.
 
So what is Jason doing about his disadvantage? “Not much about it” he says. That is true when you cannot grow tall overnight. In fact, Jason’s philosophy is being himself.  “Whatever you are doing, you are automatically filtering out women whom you will not get along anyway. I want someone to like me for me.” Though he knows it is limiting his choices.
 
Despite his height disadvantage, he has managed to date the following nationalities, Russian, Italian, Swedish, Mexican, French Swiss, Taiwanese and American when he was studying in the United States. He added to his tally when he came back to Singapore to work, he dated an Italian and Vietnamese. But there is no Singaporean woman in his long list of dates.
 
What happen?
 
He thinks Singaporean women are confused about the definition of date. “They think that when you ask them for a date, it means that both of you are in relationship” he says. “Going on a date means getting to know a person better, to find out if there is a possibility.” Over here he asked Singaporean women for dates and they reply him “I don’t really know you.”
 
Jason know that his height is a disadvantage but in America, “it is not that women do not mind but if we can get along, they don’t mind going on dates with you to find out if height is really an issue to them”. Singaporean women in this aspect seem to sentence men to the “no chance bucket” quickly.
 
The next person I asked is Nick Lee, 32 years old and married. He works as a government social worker and have been married for 6 years with a 1 year old son. His wife, who is 1 year older than him, is expecting a second baby. He met his wife, also his first girlfriend when they were working at a travel agency. At that point, he was only making $1,650 a month and had only an A Level certificate.
 
I asked him whether he thinks that the Singaporean women’s “checklist” in the article were ever obstacles to him finding love. He does not think so. “I was already studying for a degree then, so I knew I would be progressing in life, since I know I will be getting my qualification, I will have better career prospects” he says.
 
In fact, he thinks having a degree, a career and all those desired criteria does not guarantee that you will have a good marriage. He believes “these criteria are the things you use to compare only when you have choices.”
 
Since Nick never thought lacking these criteria as disadvantages, how does he make himself stand out from competition?
 
“I position myself as a blue chip stock” he says. “You know what a blue chip stock is?” he asks me. “A blue chip stock is stable, not volatile, sure make money, guaranteed a return. I attract girls who want stability.”
 
Comparing women to investors, he continues “Girls who have low to middle risk appetite, want a stable life” would definitely like his type. Referring to being marriage material, he says “men need to (be able to) save up money, need to have financial stability, this is what girls are looking at.”
 
Most importantly, Nick advocates “don’t put up a false front, just be yourself. If you love a Rocher (referring to the chocolate), does it matter if it’s still in the golden packaging? It’s the taste that matters, the content” he advises.
 
Continuing on my quest to find more answers, I called my army buddy Ben Chen, 31 years old, single, 1.7 metres, a diploma holder, and a telephone customer service officer for an interview. I have known him for 10 years. He had 6 relationships, the longest being 3 years, and the shortest 1 month. He had girlfriends who are more educated and earn more than him. In my mind, he is pretty smooth with women though he does not fit most of Singaporean women’s criteria in the checklist.
 
In his case, he must have thought these criteria as unimportant, since he has no problem finding love. Apparently it is not true. He thinks his lack of a degree which equals lack of prospects to not earning a higher income as disadvantages in the long run.
 
“Because this limits on how much you can contribute in a relationship, like buying a house together, sharing expenses, having extra money for leisure” he says. “It gives me less decision-making power. It may not matter when you are in a relationship but it matters when you start a family.”
 
Impression sometimes can be deceiving. Ben told me he “feels more inferior” because of the lack of a high income. Last time he was earning only $2,300 per month as a customer service office in another company. I always thought someone like Ben who finds love easily would have loads of confidence.
 
Then how does he intend to overcome his disadvantages?
 
“Do sales” he says. He further explains “sales is the only job where it is effort based and your education qualification does not come into the picture.” He intends to go into real estate where he thinks the money is.
 
Then did the women in his previous relationships mind that he is not as educated as them and even earn as much as them?
 
“A bit but not much” he answers. And the reasons for loving him even though he does not have those criteria he thinks are important? He thought for a while and answers “when I am with them, I think I add value to their lives. They appreciate that though I don’t earn much, I give my everything in the relationship. Whether financially or time, I am committed to the relationship. They know I will not haggle over small stuff with them. I also teach them things for their own good, like moral values. I show care and concern and I am accommodating.”
 
Finally I asked him, what else is important besides having money?
 
“Family-oriented because men who are more family-oriented are more secure” he says. He adds on “Be sincere too.” He feels that women can sense sincerity and whether you are serious about being in a relationship, he thinks sincerity can get you the girl eventually. “Good men will not have any lack of women liking them” he concludes.
 
After listening to my friends, I remember asking my wife once on what she likes about me. She answered smilingly “I don’t know.” I should have told her immediately that “I feel like the second luckiest person in this world.” At this point she would ask me “Then who is the luckiest person in this world?” I would answer “You.”
 
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Experts’ Advice
“Just go out with different people and not hold out for that ideal partner.”
Paulin Tay Straughan, Associate professor of sociology, National University of Singapore, who teaches a module "The Social Construction of Romantic Love"
 
“The key to courting is to prove that you are patient. You are demonstrating that you are dependable, honest, good, moral, and that you have other noble qualities. In short, you are proving that you really want her as an individual, not just a one-night stand.” (p.183)
Ron Louis and David Copeland, authors of how to succeed with women
 
“If you are too direct early on, you risk stirring up a resistance that will never be lowered. You need to stir their interest before it settles on someone else… The seduction should begin at an angle indirectly, so that the target only gradually becomes aware of you. Haunt the periphery of your target’s life – approach through a third party, or seem to cultivate a relatively neutral relationship, moving gradually from friend to lover.” (p.177)
Robert Greene, author of The Art of Seduction
 
Internet Sources for Further Reading:
Askmen.com, Dating and Sex – http://www.askmen.com/dating/
Attractwomenanywhere.com, Blog, - http://attractwomenanywhere.com/blog/
SoSuave.com, Secrets of Meeting, Dating and Attracting Women – http://www.sosuave.com/



Saturday, December 29, 2012

Where was I...

I was thinking about one year ago where was I and what was I doing...

I was at that time moving to a new job from a company that I have fond memories of...

One year on, I had 2 family members who passed away, my father got ill and recovered, I moved back to doing marketing from the advertising industry, I travelled to more countries due to work and I start to have more white hair...

Although it seems like many things have happened, however I wasn't quite sure where was I in the past one year...

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Change My Mind

Sometimes you don't need to change people's minds because sometimes it doesn't hurt you for them to think that way.

You know how sometimes people post about their thoughts on internet like social networks, blogs, forums etc. And people will disagree, debate and correct each other...

Sometimes it is important, however some of the time it is not.

Don't bother live longer......

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Woman in the Small Cute Shoes

"What is it that you actually want for yourself?"

JY, standing at an impressive height of 1.58m, with her petite frame and small feet, trying to match my pace while we were walking to Nicholl Highway to grab a cab, asked me.

Before that I told her I wanted to earn a mountain of money, so that my parents will not worry about medical bills, I will be able to support my brother in whatever he wants to do and most importantly I will feel safe.

"But you wanted a mountain of money because of other people, so what is it that you actually wanted for yourself?" JY continued.

I couldn't answer her question.

It never struck me what I really wanted for myself.

In one of my usual diffusion tactic, I deflect the question back to her because I can't answer her question.

"So what do you want to do for yourself?" Pineapple Tat asked.

JY told me she wants to see the world before she gets married and to repay her parents for their investments in her studies.

Some people tell me that JY is a girl, I always tell them she is a woman. Hiding behind her girlish laughter, kiddish voice and small cute shoes, is a woman who impress me with her thoughts sometimes.

Yes it took a 22 years old, now almost 23 years old woman to make a 29 years old man realise what is it that he really wants.

Maybe after she has travelled around the world twice, repaid her parents 5 times over, I would still not know what I really want......

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Don't Just Run Away

I just had an "UH HUH!" moment.

I realised that running away does not solve problems.

Maybe running and hiding will.

If it cannot find you, it doesn't exist......

What Else

I once read somewhere that you can be alone but not lonely.

And you can be in a crowd and still feel lonely.

Today I just realised something new.

Solitude is peace but sometimes it can be deafening too.

With all those voices in your head debating.

Once things screw up, cannot be unscrewed.

What is said, cannot be recovered.

What is done, cannot be undone.

I think I am feeling this way probably because I had too much caffeine, not enough sleep yesterday, more reading stuff to tackle plus the defeaning solitude makes me A Pessismistically Angry Self Centred Philosopher......

Monday, November 14, 2011

November Emptiness

Being isolated away from the world, coping at home sometimes force me to wonder about life, why I am doing what I am doing, what I am thinking, how am I going to spend the rest of my life and should I just not think at all.

Is what we want really what we want?

Is what we think really correct?

And what is actually going on?

Maybe I am just a boy in a man's body, who just want to eat, sleep and play...

Or is that really what I want......

Monday, November 07, 2011

Life is like a train

In one of my random memories, it was once described that life is like a train.

As we travel through the journey of life, many different people will board into your train at different stations of your life. Many will also alight at different stations of your life.

Some people will ride for one stop, some a few stops, some many stops and some will board, alight and board again. You never know who you will see, who you will meet and who you will never see again.

As I move to the next station of my life, sometimes I do wonder about those people who have alighted from my train, if I will ever see them again......