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My quest in finding answers on how Singaporean men can overcome the obstacles of
the Singaporean women spouse checklist.
There are times in the night where I
would turn around in bed, look at the woman sleeping beside me and wonder to
myself, “Why is there such a beautiful woman sleeping beside me?” My ex-girlfriend in high school, who knew my
wife, once told me “You really have stumbled upon a treasure for yourself.”
Besides making it sound like I do not deserve it, I knew I have incredible
luck. The Straits Times article “Singaporean
and Marriage; the checklist syndrome” proves it.
Just this year, I came across the 5
January 2013 Straits Times article. It talks
about Singaporeans having a “checklist” for their ideal spouse, which to dating
experts is the biggest hurdle in Singaporeans getting married. What women want
are men who are: Taller ideally more than 1.75 metres, older preferably by 4
years, earns more, to be as educated or more, at least similar in career
achievements, confident, and in the following occupations like doctor, lawyer,
banker, pilot or engineer.
After seeing the checklist, I finally
attain enlightenment on why my ex-girlfriend, who is still single, says that I
have stumbled upon a “treasure” like my wife. At 1.75 metres, my wife is 4
centimetres taller than me, more educated, earns more, manages 23 people at
work while none for me, and most importantly she is also better looking than
me. I am definitely not in any of the ideal occupations. The closest I got to
was working in a bank.
So how do mere mortals like us find
love in Singapore? Are Singaporean men lacking in any of the criteria convicted
to singlehood for life? As I feel obliged to help my fellow “male race” on
this, I went to look for 3 Singaporean men friends who do not fit the criteria
on what they do about it.
The first person I come across is
Jason Tay, 32 years old and single. He is a Marine Research Assistant standing
at an impressive height of 1.54 metres. That is impressively 21 centimetres off
the ideal height or he needs to grow 13% more to qualify.
So what is Jason doing about his
disadvantage? “Not much about it” he says. That is true when you cannot grow
tall overnight. In fact, Jason’s philosophy is being himself. “Whatever you are doing, you are automatically
filtering out women whom you will not get along anyway. I want someone to like me
for me.” Though he knows it is limiting his choices.
Despite his height disadvantage, he
has managed to date the following nationalities, Russian, Italian, Swedish,
Mexican, French Swiss, Taiwanese and American when he was studying in the
United States. He added to his tally when he came back to Singapore to work, he
dated an Italian and Vietnamese. But there is no Singaporean woman in his long
list of dates.
What happen?
He thinks Singaporean women are
confused about the definition of date. “They think that when you ask them for a
date, it means that both of you are in relationship” he says. “Going on a date
means getting to know a person better, to find out if there is a possibility.”
Over here he asked Singaporean women for dates and they reply him “I don’t really
know you.”
Jason know that his height is a
disadvantage but in America, “it is not that women do not mind but if we can
get along, they don’t mind going on dates with you to find out if height is
really an issue to them”. Singaporean women in this aspect seem to sentence men
to the “no chance bucket” quickly.
The next person I asked is Nick Lee,
32 years old and married. He works as a government social worker and have been
married for 6 years with a 1 year old son. His wife, who is 1 year older than
him, is expecting a second baby. He met his wife, also his first girlfriend
when they were working at a travel agency. At that point, he was only making
$1,650 a month and had only an A Level certificate.
I asked him whether he thinks that the
Singaporean women’s “checklist” in the article were ever obstacles to him
finding love. He does not think so. “I was already studying for a degree then,
so I knew I would be progressing in life, since I know I will be getting my
qualification, I will have better career prospects” he says.
In fact, he thinks having a degree, a
career and all those desired criteria does not guarantee that you will have a
good marriage. He believes “these criteria are the things you use to compare
only when you have choices.”
Since Nick never thought lacking
these criteria as disadvantages, how does he make himself stand out from competition?
“I position myself as a blue chip
stock” he says. “You know what a blue chip stock is?” he asks me. “A blue chip
stock is stable, not volatile, sure make money, guaranteed a return. I attract
girls who want stability.”
Comparing women to investors, he
continues “Girls who have low to middle risk appetite, want a stable life”
would definitely like his type. Referring to being marriage material, he says “men
need to (be able to) save up money, need to have financial stability, this is
what girls are looking at.”
Most importantly, Nick advocates
“don’t put up a false front, just be yourself. If you love a Rocher (referring
to the chocolate), does it matter if it’s still in the golden packaging? It’s
the taste that matters, the content” he advises.
Continuing on my quest to find more
answers, I called my army buddy Ben Chen, 31 years old, single, 1.7 metres, a
diploma holder, and a telephone customer service officer for an interview. I have
known him for 10 years. He had 6 relationships, the longest being 3 years, and
the shortest 1 month. He had girlfriends who are more educated and earn more
than him. In my mind, he is pretty smooth with women though he does not fit
most of Singaporean women’s criteria in the checklist.
In his case, he must have thought
these criteria as unimportant, since he has no problem finding love. Apparently
it is not true. He thinks his lack of a degree which equals lack of prospects to
not earning a higher income as disadvantages in the long run.
“Because this limits on how much you
can contribute in a relationship, like buying a house together, sharing
expenses, having extra money for leisure” he says. “It gives me less
decision-making power. It may not matter when you are in a relationship but it
matters when you start a family.”
Impression sometimes can be
deceiving. Ben told me he “feels more inferior” because of the lack of a high
income. Last time he was earning only $2,300 per month as a customer service
office in another company. I always thought someone like Ben who finds love
easily would have loads of confidence.
Then how does he intend to overcome
his disadvantages?
“Do sales” he says. He further
explains “sales is the only job where it is effort based and your education qualification
does not come into the picture.” He intends to go into real estate where he
thinks the money is.
Then did the women in his previous
relationships mind that he is not as educated as them and even earn as much as
them?
“A bit but not much” he answers. And
the reasons for loving him even though he does not have those criteria he
thinks are important? He thought for a while and answers “when I am with them,
I think I add value to their lives. They appreciate that though I don’t earn
much, I give my everything in the relationship. Whether financially or time, I
am committed to the relationship. They know I will not haggle over small stuff
with them. I also teach them things for their own good, like moral values. I
show care and concern and I am accommodating.”
Finally I asked him, what else is
important besides having money?
“Family-oriented because men who are
more family-oriented are more secure” he says. He adds on “Be sincere too.” He
feels that women can sense sincerity and whether you are serious about being in
a relationship, he thinks sincerity can get you the girl eventually. “Good men
will not have any lack of women liking them” he concludes.
After listening to my friends, I remember
asking my wife once on what she likes about me. She answered smilingly “I don’t
know.” I should have told her immediately that “I feel like the second luckiest
person in this world.” At this point she would ask me “Then who is the luckiest
person in this world?” I would answer “You.”
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Experts’
Advice
“Just go out with different people and not hold
out for that ideal partner.”
Paulin Tay Straughan, Associate professor of
sociology, National University of Singapore, who teaches a module "The Social Construction of Romantic
Love"
“The key to courting is to
prove that you are patient. You are demonstrating that you are dependable,
honest, good, moral, and that you have other noble qualities. In short, you are
proving that you really want her as an individual, not just a one-night stand.”
(p.183)
Ron Louis and David
Copeland, authors of how to
succeed with women
“If you are too direct early
on, you risk stirring up a resistance that will never be lowered. You need to
stir their interest before it settles on someone else… The seduction should
begin at an angle indirectly, so that the target only gradually becomes aware
of you. Haunt the periphery of your target’s life – approach through a third
party, or seem to cultivate a relatively neutral relationship, moving gradually
from friend to lover.” (p.177)
Robert Greene, author of The Art of Seduction
Internet
Sources for Further Reading:
Askmen.com, Dating and Sex –
http://www.askmen.com/dating/
Attractwomenanywhere.com,
Blog, - http://attractwomenanywhere.com/blog/
SoSuave.com, Secrets of
Meeting, Dating and Attracting Women – http://www.sosuave.com/
